Monday, May 23, 2011

My Guide to Surviving in a Bad Horror Movie

Lately I've been into watching scary movies. I've always enjoyed zombie movies, but I've been getting a kick out of supernatural horror recently as well. I've noticed some tropes lately in all of my recent movies that really just grate on my nerves. If I were in such a situation, I would at least try to keep thinking logically. Heck, it'd be a good exercise in staying calm! So, here are the standard fall backs in many a horror film that really just grinds my gears -also, I tend to yell my advice at the characters, so I'll be giving you a taste of that, too.

1. The You're-Obviously Being Herded trope: Oh, what's that? Every door you've tried is locked but this one? Three men are closing in on you and the only direction you can see to go is toward that creepy house over there? You're being herded, like cattle or sheep or any other dumb animal that doesn't realize it's doomed. What I would do about it - take a quick inventory of my surroundings. Are there other options? Is there something I can use as a weapon? Am I faster than my pursuers? Am I smarter than my pursuers? All of these tidbits could keep someone from running into a house possessed by the Ghost of Hannibal Lecter.

2. The He-Seems-So-Nice trope: There is usually some guy that seems extra cool and nice; always there to comfort you when you run screaming from the image in the mirror that smiles when you don't. And then there's the creepy guy that gives you cryptic messages, seems like he hasn't had his meds in awhile, and randomly shows up when you least expect it. Inevitably, because it's human nature, the main character will gladly accept the help of Mr. Nice Guy and shun Creeper Dude. What I would do - trust neither of them. Listen to the "cryptic messages" because even if he IS the bad guy, he almost always gives you hints that come in handy later. But seriously, if Mr. Nice Guy "suggests" he stay over "just to make sure you're safe" tell him no thanks and kick him to the curb. Make sure you have a gun on you first, or a knife at the very least.

3. The I'm-Going-Crazy trope: All of this crazy weird stuff is happening, no one will believe you, you must be crazy, right? Well, probably, but just do what you need to do to survive for the moment and worry about your lithium dosage later. Most of the time the main character lets anyone talk them into the idea that they're crazy, and then it turns out they're totally right, there IS a vengeful demon that wants to kill you, and now you're unprepared. It's OK to be a little crazy and a lot prepared, that's my motto.

4. The I'm-a-Stupid-Bimbo trope: There's no hope for you. Scream, run around, lock yourself in a room without an escape plan. You're going to die anyway.

5. The Bathroom trope: It always happens in the bathroom. It's probably ghosts favorite place to hang out. The main character usually takes a steaming hot bath to "unwind" because everything that's happening is obviously due to stress, and she winds up almost drowned or killed in some weird, unexplainable way. What I would do - take fast showers with a baseball bat very close by. Same with bathroom duties. Do not look in a mirror, because that's where they shut themselves in. Pee like the wind, baseball bat handy. Oh, and keep your wardrobe comfy, season specific, and stretchy. You need to be able to run, and camp outside in case you get chased into some woods, and no one wants to be stuck in the woods in a skimpy tank top when it hits 30 degrees out there.

1 comment:

Kristy said...

I like number 4 the best